26 weeks

So, this past week I was pretty much a big mess. 26 weeks is when I gave birth to Eli and so hitting 26 weeks with this pregnancy hit me pretty hard and I was in a pretty dark place. Each day of that week brought back sad memories. The last day that I felt Eli move, the day that we confirmed that there was no heartbeat. The day that I went to the hospital to be induced, and then finally, the day that I birthed my baby boy's lifeless body. I felt as though I was in a pit that was too deep to get out of. I was feeling hopeless. Don't get me wrong, I would get out of bed in the morning because of Aaron and Eva but it seemed that was all I could do, get out of bed. I couldn't live life beyond that. I was just in the grip of depression.
We had our all church retreat this weekend up in McCall and it was just what I needed. First of all, just the 2.5 hour drive up gave me and Aaron time to talk and to just be together and I was able to express my feelings to Aaron. That helped me a little bit to not feel so alone. The Holy Spirit was really moving during the weekend and I feel like I am learning to live again. I found hope. I found purpose to live. Leave it to God to give me just what I need at just the right time. If only I would learn to always lean on Him and trust in Him instead of trying to survive on my own.
Ok, enough of the heavy stuff. Here are some pictures for you to enjoy.
Here's my 26 week belly.

And some pictures from the retreat.

Life's not fair

We all know that, right? But sometimes, it really just sucks. Today, a wonderful woman and her husband lost their forth child. Their first two, twin boys, were born at 20 weeks when I was still pregnant with Eva. Then, somewhat recently, they miscarried their third child. Today, at 20 weeks, she gave birth to another son. I pray that they will continue to lean on God as they have in the past and that they will find some comfort and peace in his loving arms. As I grieve for them today and revisit once again the pain of losing a child, this song is in my head. It was written by the lead singer of Selah and his wife after learning their sweet daughter Audrey had a condition that was "incompatible with life" while they were still pregnant with her.

I Will Carry You
There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?
people say that I am brave but i`m not
Truth is I`m barely hanging on
But there`s a greater story
Written long before me
Because he loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to his voice
And he says

I`ve shown her photographs of time beginning
Walked her through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love her like this?

I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All your life
And i will praise the one who`s chosen me
To carry you

Another sneak peak

Here's baby boy at 24.3 weeks.


He kept opening and closing his mouth. Eva said he was laughing.

I love yard sale season

We went to a yard sale this morning and picked up some cute clothes for baby boy. The guy who lived there was a BSU basketball player and had a little boy who was probably about 18 months old. So, there was lots of cute little boy clothes including several BSU outfits (unfortunately, most of these were the wrong season). Our little boy already has a great wardrobe thanks to consignment sales, yard sales, and of course grandmas and grandpas and aunts and uncles. Today we scored 4 pairs of jammies, a pair of wrangler jeans and another pair of jeans, a BSU romper, 2 adorable sweaters and 2 cute long sleeve onesies.

Baby's homecoming outfit

So, while searching for something cute for baby boy (that's right, still no name) to come home in when he is born, I saw some super cute onesies on etsy.com. I decided that I could make them myself and yesterday I headed to the fabric store and picked up everything I needed. I think it turned out pretty cute if you ask me. I plan on pairing it with some brown pants and maybe a cute little newsboy type hat. :)